Concepts of masculinity seem to change over time and culture. I’ve been thinking about this a lot as my son transitions from being a boy to being an adolescent. I’m surprised at how uncomfortable some of it has made me. Even though I experienced this myself, I don’t feel well-equipped to handle it. I’ve resorted to, gulp, reading, and, breathe, talking to other men about it.
One of the current theories is that we could rely, in the past, on a rich tradition of male work to transmit basic concepts of acceptable male behavior and masculinity. As a boy, you hung out with an extended family of other men who hunted or farmed or whatever. It was necessary and has a long history.
Modern life does not provide that connection to extended male culture.
In addition, we lived through a difficult but necessary switch to an emerging feminine equality. Much of this was built on a now bankrupt idea that babies came into the world equal and were shaped to stereotype by the environment – nurture over nature.
Nearly anyone who’s ever seen baby girls and boys found this odd. But in order for women to gain some measure of fairness in the social world, this seemed like a necessary experiment.
This nurture idea is pretty much over because brain science shows us that male brains are indeed different from female brains. The value judgment that one is better than the other is a second, and only human judgment. In other words, it isn’t observable in fact.
My point is that I feel a bit at sea in conveying typically male stuff. I don’t really worry about my own masculinity, and I’m told that there are many good masculine models, not one. However, where to start?
While I love the outdoors and find no fault in hunting as sport, I will never hunt outside of some post-apocalypse. Even though I fished as a kid, I found it strange then and now, and other than the comradery angle, I can’t get with it.
My musical garage band experiences were great male bonding times, but there was no connection to past male culture. No one’s father was there – it was just “Lord of the Flies” teenage boy angst. A good thing, but not a historical connection.
And say what ever you want, playing a musical instrument in an orchestra is not exactly macho in a blue collar community. That did occasionally create a bit of confusion for me. An orchestra is an odd domain of prima donnas, prissy men and women, but also a rather strict hierarchy. It isn’t an expressive experience either, contrary to popular opinion. Interpretation is frowned upon. Is that male?
My musical experience is predominately male and I must admit to a macho point of view on it. Brass is a more or less male domain and so is rock-and-roll, isn’t it?
So where does that leave us? It is important, I think, to convey to our boys an acceptable masculinity. One that respects the female as equal but different, and has no extra-ordinary insecurity in its own maleness (is that a word)? How do I do it?
You\’ve got to figure out what you feel is acceptable masculinity. I\’m a pretty strong a female personality, and one who can often misinterpret certain behaviors as chauvinism and get unnecessarily pissy. But there are behaviors that are maybe a bit old fashioned that I think is masculine and acceptable. For example: Holding/opening doors, physical strength, emotional strength, paying or offering to pay on a date, cleanliness. Certainly these behaviors can be boiled down to virtues such as kindness, thoughtfulness, character. So I guess that begs the question how do you make desirable characters masculine or feminine.I guess I\’m not making your conundrum any easier am I?
I\’m biting my tongue. Okay. Not really. Thank you, Captain Obvious. Of course I have to figure it out. Why the hell did I write this?Whew. That\’s out of my system. I think this is a deeper question of what do we want to teach boys and how to do it. Our old systems are essentially gone, out-of-date, kaput. In fact, one person described our generation and it\’s changing masculinity as a first generation problem. The first generation to born in a country as a foot in both worlds, the expat country and the new one. And often they feel a true affinity for neither. That\’s where we are in our wrestling with a emerging feminism and masculinity. That feels like a good explanation to me.
how\’s this you pain in my ass…write down a list of characteristics you feel are masculine. do not censor. do not think too much about it. just throw down a list no matter how politically incorrect.then look over the list and filter. that\’s what you decide you want to teach your boy. screw what anyone else wants to teach their boys.issat better?