I realized last week that I am the father in a not so affectionate family. In a way, that surprised me. I don’t know what triggered this realization. It could have been pictures I saw on Facebook or a family walking down the street.
I’m not unhappy about this. Well, maybe a little. I just find it unexpected. Certainly, I am not exceptionally affectionate person but I come from a family with a healthy amount of affection, with essentially no inhibitions about it. Amy’s family is more reserved in this area in a fairly stereotypically WASP way. Amy, herself, is affectionate – at least enough for me.
And, I think we were affectionate with our kids when they were little. Now that time has gone. They are both teenagers and that brings with it a kind of distance. I personally remember saying to myself “no more kissing Dad goodnight. He really doesn’t care if I do it or not.” I don’t know how he felt about it or whether he even noticed. With other younger siblings around it might have been even hard to notice. But I found the whole thing awkward. Maybe it’s a kind of normal individuation but I don’t remember it feeling normal.
On the other hand, my mother was overtly affectionate. She was, for me, embarrassingly demanding about that. She was explicit, saying you should never be embarrassed to be kissed or kiss your mom. While this might be a good message to send, it not the easy message to receive as a teenager. Kissing Mom goodnight was another perilous activity. My mom, perhaps because I am the eldest, wanted to know when I had made it home safely. But there were times, plenty of times, when I didn’t want her to know that I made it home at all. I certainly didn’t want to bring any attention to myself.
I don’t know if I got into more trouble than other brothers and sisters or less. For my mom, in my late teens, I was a handful. The complication of my parents eroding marriage did not help matters. I look back and see that my mother was reaching out for contact. I can’t be sure of course but this was missing from her marriage. My recollection of my parents affection for each other was always complicated. I don’t remember their being at ease with each other. And certainly in my adulthood, there was open antipathy toward each other. Maybe that was what I was sensing. My mother was looking for her needs to be met and I was an adult male. She did not have this in balance. And when someone needs affection, affection gets layered with complexity–even simple, innocent affection.
Cancer brought a change to my parents. The simplicity of touch was once again discovered. Chemotherapy makes holding hands more meaningful than you might ever imagine. I wasn’t in town much during my mom’s treatments, living 3,000 miles away. But when I was there, all she wanted was someone to sit with her, make conversation, deep or not, hold hands. When I saw my parents together during that time, there was peace, acceptance and blitheness.
Since my mom died, in 1999, Dad has been different. And it’s been a welcome change.
I find myself having fairly casual expectation of affection now. With my French friend, I kiss him on the cheeks. I find it normal now. Though, at the golf course, I got a little bit self-conscious about it. I know that it is everyone else’s problem, not mine, what they think about. That part, my mother was right about. With women I know, I like to kiss them. I normally kiss my sisters too. That all seems rather mundane and requires little thought. I hug my dad and kiss him now if I’m in the mood or feeling it, like when I leave home again after a visit. With men, I’m a hand-shaker or bro hug guy. I have no problem with all of it but I like making the connection.
The hug is my bugaboo. Those generally seem awkward. Seriously, two kisses on the check are less awkward than full body contact or these weird light pats on the back. I’m from a big family. You hug someone, you mean it or don’t bother. When you mean it, like when you console somebody, you want to envelope them or be enveloped. Don’t you? Or, in a bona fide, full expression of happiness, the same thing. You ever see hockey players hug each other after a goal? They mean that shit.
I vowed that I would not make my kids feel awkward about affection. Right now, I have no idea what they feel about it. I notice its absence. I am not overreacting to that but I guess I am reacting to it. I think that I would love some of the lightness that was there to return again. Maybe I just have to wait a bit.
Holding hands, or not
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I don’t have the same recollection of affection from our family. I do remember that we use to kiss both Mom and Dad goodnight and that at some point we didn’t give Dad a kiss anymore. Later in life I learned, from Mom herself, that her goodnight kiss was three fold. The first was just a kiss goodnight. The second was to let her know that you got home before curfew, because she no longer wanted to stay up. The third was to try to detect alcohol on your breathe. Whatever her reasons, I conformed to her rules. After all I was living under her roof. I had to live by her rules. The only other affection I recall was with the grandparents.Hugs and kisses to all the aunts and uncles would be the normal the few times that I would be hanging out with Mark Morin and his family. Take Charlene’s family and you get hugs and kisses from aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, and cousins. I don’t know when the cousins got all “hugy and kissy” I didn’t meet any until they were older, like older than 20 years old. That makes Charlene a “hugger” and me, not so much. This can be a little awkward when we do couples things. She will do the hugs hello and hugs good-bye and I am like what's up or in the car.So, With All Due Respect, I think we mimic what we see.Bro hug and one kiss.
What specifically do you see differently? Do remember Mom as affectionat? I do and maybe that's what sets the \”norm\” in my head. Sure, Dad is not a huggy/kissy guy. You kiss your sisters right? I do. And the spouses. I would not hesitate to take any siblings hand under certain situations. I guess what I really am surprised about is the lack of contact with my kids. Maybe it's normal and I'm nostalgic. I see more affection with other families but that too could be me seeing the grass is greener.
With all do respectOther than good night kisses, I don’t remember our family showing any other affection. Does a good night kiss equal affection?Yes I think Mom was affectionate, but I think she also had trouble showing it. Just because one wants to give/receive affection does that make one affectionate? I am much younger than you so my memories are more of the complication of our parents eroding marriage. I don’t think affection is like gift giving. It’s not the thought that counts. It is the act of affection that counts. So in closing I don’t think our immediate family or extended family to be very affectionate. It’s the trickle down affect. It is what kids have been seeing from parents up the family tree, until someone along the way trims a branch and makes an effort to change the pattern.
I love seeing parent-teen affection!
I don't have recollection of much but I sure do remember a lot of affection between the women in the family. But I remember it more as a young adult.Since college at least, I remember hugging and holding my/our sisters, holding hands, stroking hair. Hell, part of why I am a chiro is because I used to give massages to anyone who asked and I know I gave back rubs to each and every one of my sibs at some point. Hell I even walked on a few backs (oh hindsight) I know I hug everyone. I've even been known to bring hugging to whole families who were previously not huggers. I remember cuddling with various siblings. There is a sweet picture of me and BigBro on the couch at thanksgiving – he's watching TV and I'm conked out on his shoulder. I don't remember much affection between myself and Dad. And I remember pretty much no affection between Dad and Mom. Being the youngest I saw probably the lowest point of their marriage first hand.I digress, I think teens go through a period where they kind of shrink back away from affection with parents. But I often see them exploring affection between each other. I don't just mean in a romantic way, although they are clearly at the age of expressing those kinds of affections as well. But girl friends holding hands etc.Perhaps it is the natural evolution of growing up. Leaving the nest to find your own space in the world including that area as well. I certainly hug and kiss Dad now more than I did as a teen. As an aside, I find my brothers to be affectionate. I absolutely relish in it. Some of my favorite memories involve one of you simply putting your arm around me and pulling me close. Sometimes followed by a kiss on the forehead.
I don't do hugs.
You don't do hugs with your kids, your mom, anyone? You feel that is too intimate? Do you remember the time our boss tried to get us to play \”gay chicken\”? I would have kissed you on the mouth, big man, and taken the $20.Seriously, no hugs for anyone? And what about French style two cheeker? I'm okay with that if you want to move on from manly handshakes.