Amy’s father died this week. The phone call came at night from her sister, Karen. Sunday morning Carl had some kind of event that caused his body to stop working. It appears to be heart related.

He had none of the typical cholesterol/heart diseases issues throughout his life. For the most part, while his health was far from perfect for an 80 something old man, medically speaking, everyone including his primary care physician was surprised by this sudden end.

Since then, Amy has been depressed, withdrawn, and sad. It is all understandable. And this is signficicant because of how different this type of behavior is. Even when her mother died, this did not happen with the same intensity.

That is also understandable. Amy’s mom had dementia for a long time and the end of her life was not pleasant for anyone. It was a constant battle with demons in Ginny’s brain.

Amy had high hopes for her father after the funeral for Ginny was completed. You could see a weight lift off Carl. He was devastated by Ginny’s passing but by the end of the memorial service, he had a new light in his eyes. He got some of his game back.

I’m sure that is what is hitting Amy the hardest. Carl was a complex man. He was not all rainbows and sunshine. But he was also very engaged. For Amy there were so many things yet to do with Carl. There were going to be more chances to see him just be himself.

But now that is not possible. The memories are great. Amy has found so many great photos of Carl in among his family. Eventually that will be a wonderful way to remember him but it is also a pain that continues to chafe as she digs into the past.

This is not about me but my own feelings are a bit confused because I don’t know what anyone wants other than myself. And I am dreading the memorial service. I don’t know why either.

I don’t think Carl would care how it is conducted. I don’t think he thought of legacy and tributes. He never dwelled on the past around me. He lived his life and now it is over.