Month: February 2016

Sometimes a person asks the right questions

I called my old buddy Mark last week. I expected to vent and hear him say, there, there. Pat me on the back over the phone but he didn’t.

Frankly, I wasn’t helping him much. Whatever I was saying, it was not eliciting the response I wanted. This is not our normal conversation style. That is, I can always count on Mark. I hope he feels the same way. Mark and I have been having “deep” conversations since the 6th grade, in Mr. Feldt’s homeroom.

That’s a lot of conversations. That’s a lot of expectations. And we’ve been through some shit over that time. And our conversations were more frequent and in many forms. Does anyone remember Prodigy? It was like an early Skype. Later it was AOL. Also, like Skype. For anyone young enough, it’s all like texting.

Anyhow… I was beginning to think this conversation was not going to help me. I was getting a little frustrated because Mark kept asking questions. It threw me. And I don’t remember which question exactly, but it was about lesson plans or business plans, maybe Excel. In my head, it was a minor reprobation but a question that betrayed disapproval. I think in his head, he was just asking questions appropriate for the situation.

I heard, “aren’t you the guy who once made a spreadsheet to calculate your ‘disposable time’ in a given week just so you could be depressed about it?”

“Yeah. I did that. But that was the old me. The anal-retentive guy.”

“And you don’t have a spreadsheet for your start-up business? God, you are such a disappointment.”

But really he was just going through a mental check-list of things that he thought I might have done. And it was actually the perfect question. Eventually, I started to see the wisdom of the questions. He was helping me to find my keys and asking if I checked in the car, on the counter, in my pocket, on the dresser? What were you wearing? Did you have coat?

Instead of getting annoyed, I started to listen and he was right. The big hairy beast that was causing me anxiety and tweaking my depression was amorphous. You can’t grab what you can’t see. You can’t pick up a pile of parts. What goes with what?

He was persistent and he pushed through. He might have sensed my frustration, but he knew that the only way to help was to keep trying. Anyone could get annoyed looking for their keys. This was no different.

Thanks, buddy.

This week I did start writing a business plan for eehoo. And it makes sense. I showed some preliminary stuff to a couple people and got good feedback. I was able to begin making it into projects. Funding, writing, etc.

Mostly, though I was able to feel better. And that’s a priceless reward. And it was also proof that a gentle reminder of what you already know is still sometimes worthwhile. Mark said that too. We were talking about politics and he said that he realized something, lately. That people make decisions based more on feelings than logic because that is what they are trying to improve. That makes a ton of sense. It also sound a bit treacherous but that’s for another time.

The planning that I’ve done now, as a result of the convo, doesn’t guarantee success of the venture. Success is never guaranteed. You can’t know the student will learn but you should still make an excellent lesson plan or you won’t even get through the hour. Recalling all this stuff from our past is also something that is precious. I really value it.

Every day I feel busy

Being unemployed has been a tougher transition than I first thought. I don’t have super-crystal thoughts here but let me distribute some of them shotgun-style.

One of the bigger transitions in my thoughts has been self-identifying as an employee of my own company. Thinking of myself as employed by myself is harder than I thought. I haven’t update FB or Linked-in yet to reflect that. Why? Because that is scary shit.

I’m realizing just how much fear plays into the concept of my work identity.

For a long time, as a tech writer, I had an editor. I miss having an editor. Editors are awesome. I get a lot of confidence from having an editor and the relationship I’ve had with my editors has been so productive and inspiring. Not having one makes feel? Afraid.

I’m learning that fear is a big deal if you haven’t already grokked that.

I wake up every day and get a little overwhelmed at what I have to do. And I don’t really have to do anything. I have only felt this busy a couple times in my life. 1) returning to school after taking a semester off, 2) graduate school and 3) now.

I would love to say the problem is “Lack of Structure.” I’m sure it is. But saying it so definitively makes me afraid too. Why? Because declaring it so strongly could cause a me to go down the wrong path. I could make an argument, though less strongly, for maybe you just have “let go. Give yourself a break. Order will emerge from chaos if you let it.”

Actually, this is starting to sound a bit like Kurt Vonnegut. Good sound conclusions that lead to blind alleys.

As I use this blog to clear my head of thoughts and share. I’m doing that. I don’t really want an answer or a suggestion. Maybe a little support and a little understanding. I am putting it out there because this type of “analysis paralysis” is not that uncommon.

Anyhow, if you start seeing some changes with my subtle acceptance that my world exists apart from Microsoft, you will know why.

One of the images I’m working with is the root ball. When you dig up shrub or a small tree, it is amazing how bit and tenacious the root ball can be. I had no idea that my Microsoft identity had such a strong root ball. It has grown in and over a lot of obstacles. It is entangled with lots of my psyche and my personal stuff including my phone. Stuff like that is so basic that you don’t understand how much you rely on it. I had to get a new phone recently and switched to Android. You can read about that at my other blog.

Giving up the Windows Phone was surprisingly liberating. I don’t love the new phone but I feel better using it. Can you believe that? It’s just a phone. So I’m working on it.

I would give people this advice now that my lay-off is hindsight. Keep learning new stuff and keep a world outside your employer. For instance, go get a professional certification for something. Maybe even pay for it yourself. You will feel like you are more valuable. You will feel more independent. It’s worth it and should you need to explore a new employer, you will have done yourself a service like talking a walk for your health. It’s not that big a deal but you almost always feel better afterward.

I was stupid about that stuff. Musicians think if you have the gig, then you have the gig. You don’t have prove anything more. That’s true. But taking a course or going to the community college is for a different reason. I passed up getting certificates in training I took at Microsoft. Why? Because I already had the gig. No one was ever asking me if I was a Certified Scrum Master. I was a scrum master already. But I wish I had completed the paper work to get that certificate. It was offered.

But mostly, I wish that I had expanded my knowledge and breadth of contacts to continually show there is life outside my narrow little view. That’s what I wish I did differently. I would have helped me now and I would have felt good doing it.