What is something that isn’t a masterpiece?

I have discovered the joy of change in my life. I was not a lover of change in the past, but now I am looking forward to it. Amy is changing things in her life too. She is leaving the Big Company in Redmond at the end of January.

We will be working for ourselves in some form or fashion as we move forward. That is a big change.

In some ways, I expected to be more nervous about.I am suprised that I’m not. However, I am pleased to be adjusting well to this. The peace of mind is, I think, the result of a lot of so-called inner work. For me, that means a combination of talk therapy, what I learned in therapy, and my own exploration of my complex of emotions. Also, a lot of walking.

Now that no one will have any specific working-for-the-man obligations, it opens a scary box of what do you actually want to do? The past two years of working for myself have provided me with a lot of time to think about that too. The results are amazing: I still don’t know.

I have decided that the important fact there is the indecision. Facing the fact that I don’t have clarity of purpose tells me something on its own. I have liked the work that I’ve done recently. In particular, I like working with non-profits. You feel really good helping them (for free or for pay). I also like that size of business. Mostly they have clear problems and the solutions are within the framework of typical business.

I would have thought I would feel more drive to “create.” I really love creating. I love seeing other people do it and doing it myself. And I like doing. Doing soemthing isn’t always an act of bringing something to the universe. It is a contrast to the act of watching TV. But practicing an instrument, a craft, even making a puzzle is a level of engagement that feels good when you do it.

Creation comes in many shapes and sizes too. When Zuckerberg created Facebook, it was a simple act of creation. No one could possible anticipate that it would be come the Facebook we know now. It is essentially a piece of social infrastructure and that is laudable. But he did not conceive of it beyond his college experience.

Facebook has become something that scares me too like TV. I don’t want to depend on it. I want less Facebook in my life and more music. That doesn’t diminish the awe I have for Facebook. I also have awe for nuclear fission. That can be scary and powerful too.

In order to keep an certain amount of optimism in my life, I need to limit the effects of nuclear fall-out and Facebook. One is relatively easy and the other is surprisingly hard. With nukes, I’m just hoping for the best. With Facebook, it is a conscious act of keeping that addictive thing at bay. Not eliminated but also measured exposure, because it creeps into the cracks and suddenly takes my attention from other things.

Maybe it’s music. Maybe it’s writing. Maybe it’s just stillness by a pond. Either way, I am trying to create some space for those things without a lot of expectation that I need to create the next Facebook-level masterpiece.

Change is coming and that’s my intention at present.

We might not make it

I have been “separated” from Microsoft for 18 months. It feels longer. I have forgotten so many of the little things like the phone number I had, peoples email addresses, etc. This is all reasonable and unsurprising.

I have also been working for myself for long enough and with enough variety that it feels normal. It is still a much less regular life. And considering what happened in that 18 months, it surely wasn’t “regular.”

Working for myself has been gratifying, but certainly it has not replaced my salary. Fortunately, I have been willing to forego some of that in the hope that I am building something that will sustain us in the future as our lives continue to change and we approach our 7th decade.

It is very clear to me, now, that nothing is to be taken for granted. There are fewer years in front of me than behind, and that is motivating too. I don’t have a bucket list mentality, but I do have a clear picture of what I don’t want my day-to-day life to be.

Given the current political climate, and also the regular climate, I recently had the thought that I don’t think mankind is going to make it. Funny enough, it didn’t bother me. We are in an age called the Anthropocene: the age of humans. But all good things come to an end. For all of our celebrated brain power, we don’t have what it takes to continue. And you can’t really feel bad about that, can you? It’s like hating whale because they can’t walk. They just can’t.

Chomsky said that there are two big, human-created changes that push us closer to doomsday: the invention of nuclear weapons and the human impact on climate change. The nuclear weapons thing is easy to understand. Everyone understands on the potential devastation of nuclear war. The lack of agreement on global climate change is the proof that humans are, on average, not smart enough to continue to be the dominant mammal on earth.

That might seem pessimistic, but I move from the extremes inward. There is little that I can do about either thing. Sure, I can and will vote. But that’s a tiny drop in the bucket. And I can pick an issue or two and advocate on that. Personally, my preferred issue is an end to the electoral college. I prefer the idea of a popular election because it is more democratic. If we are going to go down in a fight, I’d rather it not be on a technicality. None of the arguments for the electoral college make sense when cast in the light of democratic outcomes.

I like Robert Reich and I don’t like neo-liberalism if you want to know where I stand. Climate change is real and caused by humans. It is not hubris to think it is human caused, as religionists would have you believe.

Beyond that, it seems advisable to live a life where you are trying to minimize stress. Creating stress is not hard. And yes, some stress is necessary in order maximize one’s long term outcomes. The story the grasshopper and the ant comes to mind.

I’m not setting aside dumb luck either in my thinking and conclusions. I was lucky enough to have a good paying job for a long enough time that I can even ask these questions and take this time to think about it. I’m not starving and living a life of just surviving. But failing to see the stress that was in my life and not changing course, as I was doing, also seems quite dumb in hindsight.

Minor changes to fix some unclear points and mistakes from ealier – July 10

Figuring it out

Right now, I am in a period of transition in my life. Generally, I don’t like that. Generally, I like to control my environment. Some might say over control it. Transitions create a challenge to that control or the illusion of that control.

When I was in music school as an undergraduate, I thought I was pretty smart. In fact, I was told I was smart many times in my life so I believed it. Why wouldn’t I? I also found that if you stick to the plan that someone lays out, most of life’s events unfold as expected. I preferred that to certain things I experienced in my home life where unexpected things happened. It could be hard to predict.

(I am not a “program guy.” That will mean something to some people. I do find aspects of the program to be useful. And that means avoiding bringing other people into your nightmare.
However, if “the program with the secret meetings” means nothing to you, then you will think I’m being vague. I am. You will have to piece it together. But the goal is to avoid blaming other people and also to not “out” people for perceived transgressions. I’m just telling my side so that vagueness is to protect the possibility that I only have one side of the story.)

When I was 19 years old, I was a sophomore at U. Mass-Lowell (then called U. Lowell), in the music school, which was a separate college. The music college was more or less modeled after a conservatory. You studied Solfege, Harmony, Piano, and your instrument. You played in ensembles and you practiced. If you were smart and driven, you practiced a lot. The school primarily produced music teachers as opposed to orchestra players. The schools in Boston were full of people with those aspirations. But we had plenty of serious people trying to do serious things in music too.

At the same time you were doing this, you also were taking liberal arts curriculum. You had psych 101, college writing, etc. In the end, you would have the highest amount of required credit hours because of the ensembles and instrument load, which were extra compared to a normal liberal arts student. That meant you spent a fair amount of time in Durgin Hall with your peers.

During my sophomore year, I had a “come to Jesus” moment when I figured out that there was minimum amount of credits I could take. Why was I taking more than the minimum? I’m not a sucker so I signed up for the minimum. I was still not thinking on my own. I was relying on the idea that if there is a minimum, then there must be a plan. Stick to the plan.

What I didn’t figure out was that, at the minimum, you only stayed in school. You got your financial aid; you stayed on the meal plan; you lived in the dorms. What you don’t do is graduate in 4 years.

Looking back, that’s embarrassing for a “smart” kid. At some point, I did get the clue and increased my credit hours. At the same time, I was realizing that even being smart wasn’t going to fix this problem. I needed to be creative too. I had friends around me who never did things “inside the box” and I really admired them for that. That was completely new to me. I began to completely break down the fact that I always colored inside the lines and began to color outside the lines in some good ways and some bad ways.

I still hadn’t engaged why they did it. They did it because they wanted something. I wasn’t used to thinking that way. What do I want? I had no idea. I almost never expressed myself in that way or any other way.

You might think being a musician was about expressing yourself. Mostly, it isn’t. It is more about mastery of skills that help other people with their expression. You don’t improvise in the orchestra. You play what is written. Interpret it, yes, but the bigger goal is for the ensemble to express something even bigger.

Even in Jazz, which began to take a more dominant place in my musical life, I developed the skills to be a solid member of the rhythm section. That helped me to be in places where I wanted to be, where I got some praise for those skills. I liked that.

Looking back, the only places I really expressed myself were in poetry and song writing. I didn’t expose either of those to large audiences because that is risky too.

During my junior year, I figured some things out. I wanted to finish school so I had to catch up somehow for the courses that I hadn’t taken. And because I didn’t really know where I was going with all this, I took a semester off. I worked for my uncle, with my cousin Jim. I learned a lot there.

I went up to the school once a week to play a group that I thought was cool. I couch-surfed at my friends, mostly Mark, Tom, Paul and Don’s place. They were so cool about it. We didn’t even call it couch surfing but that is what it was. I also took French Conversation and Philosophy at Worcester State College to fix my transcript. That was an adventure because I hadn’t taken anything but French 1 before. Thanks to my grandmother I did ok. She would help me and answer questions and at least try to understand me when I tried to speak French.

It was tough, though. Mostly it was tough because it was all on me to figure out and I wasn’t used to that. That’s how it feels now.

Intervention on track

I will keep this one short and sweet.

I was approved for the less invasive heart procedure. May 27 is the date.

For some reason, this procedure is not considered “surgery”. It is performed, not by a surgeon, but by a interventional cardiologist. Whatever, they call it, it is surgery to me. It’s just a lot less difficult than a “open heart” procedure.

I have two minor tests before then. A pro forma meeting with a second surgeon at the UW so they satisfy some type of protocol; and the final meeting with the anesthesiologist.

The tentative date for those is Cinco de Mayo. I was hoping to trek up the Pass and ski on that day because it is a fun atmosphere.

Later this month, I go to Boston for a little over a week to visit family and attend Nathalie’s graduation. Then surgery. Then, a summer of thinking of what is important in life, most likely, if I had to predict.

I feel good about the whole thing right now. First, because it is the TAVR and second, everything is now scheduled to happen. There is never a good time for this type of thing in one’s life. But knowing when it will happen is so much better than the purgatory of not knowing what exactly will happen and when it might happen.

Encore! Encore! Encore Career

I was introduced to a phrase recently that I found interesting, the “encore career.” Lately, that’s how I have been thinking of my own time.

I have found it hard to focus on the idea of building a business because I need to have some surgery. Without going into a lot of detail, I don’t have any idea how long I will be out of commission. I’m hoping it is the minimum time but how much can you aggressively go after something and then say, “Wait. I need like 8 weeks to feel better. I’ll get back to you.”

Right now things are just not at a point where that is feasible. And I don’t really want to do to do that. I find it is rare for me to really know what I want. Perhaps it is early conditioning to realize that you have to participate in a family or not being wealthy, but what you do and what you want seem to frequently be on different paths.

In the encore career, the idea is that you are in a different financial place and you can take the time to pursue something more in line with what you want. But what do you want? Some people know already, I want to travel. I want to train for a marathon. I want to practice the piano more and teach tuba lessons.

I don’t really know what I want. I would love to know what I want. Do you? Am I the outlier? Rather than that, here some ideas of things I would enjoy doing:

teach some tuba or bass.
write some music
play in a quintet
teach some adult swimming lessons
work with small companies to get their business stuff in the cloud (accounting, web site, etc,)
write about my experiences
do some writing projects in technology (i.e. my old job)
develop an app or two
play a little golf
exercise to stay healthy
eat good
hang out with my wife
see my family and friends
write one book – the history of Franco-American
spend a little speaking French, Italian, maybe learn a little Spanish
work in my garden (I used to love doing this and lately it feels less rewarding and more like work – why?)

That’s too much to focus on. That’s no encore. That’s more like a season’s worth of repertoire.

So I don’t know, am I just too scatterbrained? Or is the encore idea just not that well-formed. My goal in starting a business was that it has been something that I wanted to do since my first job in a start-up, Graphx. My personality has not been conducive to thriving a corporate environment. I was good at doing the work but not the politics. And my motivations to do better didn’t fit with the means of promotion in the company.

Over the years, I have worked in number of organizations that kept making the same mistakes. I would like to try to create a place where we avoid those mistakes but maybe that’s just impossible.

Every day I feel busy

Being unemployed has been a tougher transition than I first thought. I don’t have super-crystal thoughts here but let me distribute some of them shotgun-style.

One of the bigger transitions in my thoughts has been self-identifying as an employee of my own company. Thinking of myself as employed by myself is harder than I thought. I haven’t update FB or Linked-in yet to reflect that. Why? Because that is scary shit.

I’m realizing just how much fear plays into the concept of my work identity.

For a long time, as a tech writer, I had an editor. I miss having an editor. Editors are awesome. I get a lot of confidence from having an editor and the relationship I’ve had with my editors has been so productive and inspiring. Not having one makes feel? Afraid.

I’m learning that fear is a big deal if you haven’t already grokked that.

I wake up every day and get a little overwhelmed at what I have to do. And I don’t really have to do anything. I have only felt this busy a couple times in my life. 1) returning to school after taking a semester off, 2) graduate school and 3) now.

I would love to say the problem is “Lack of Structure.” I’m sure it is. But saying it so definitively makes me afraid too. Why? Because declaring it so strongly could cause a me to go down the wrong path. I could make an argument, though less strongly, for maybe you just have “let go. Give yourself a break. Order will emerge from chaos if you let it.”

Actually, this is starting to sound a bit like Kurt Vonnegut. Good sound conclusions that lead to blind alleys.

As I use this blog to clear my head of thoughts and share. I’m doing that. I don’t really want an answer or a suggestion. Maybe a little support and a little understanding. I am putting it out there because this type of “analysis paralysis” is not that uncommon.

Anyhow, if you start seeing some changes with my subtle acceptance that my world exists apart from Microsoft, you will know why.

One of the images I’m working with is the root ball. When you dig up shrub or a small tree, it is amazing how bit and tenacious the root ball can be. I had no idea that my Microsoft identity had such a strong root ball. It has grown in and over a lot of obstacles. It is entangled with lots of my psyche and my personal stuff including my phone. Stuff like that is so basic that you don’t understand how much you rely on it. I had to get a new phone recently and switched to Android. You can read about that at my other blog.

Giving up the Windows Phone was surprisingly liberating. I don’t love the new phone but I feel better using it. Can you believe that? It’s just a phone. So I’m working on it.

I would give people this advice now that my lay-off is hindsight. Keep learning new stuff and keep a world outside your employer. For instance, go get a professional certification for something. Maybe even pay for it yourself. You will feel like you are more valuable. You will feel more independent. It’s worth it and should you need to explore a new employer, you will have done yourself a service like talking a walk for your health. It’s not that big a deal but you almost always feel better afterward.

I was stupid about that stuff. Musicians think if you have the gig, then you have the gig. You don’t have prove anything more. That’s true. But taking a course or going to the community college is for a different reason. I passed up getting certificates in training I took at Microsoft. Why? Because I already had the gig. No one was ever asking me if I was a Certified Scrum Master. I was a scrum master already. But I wish I had completed the paper work to get that certificate. It was offered.

But mostly, I wish that I had expanded my knowledge and breadth of contacts to continually show there is life outside my narrow little view. That’s what I wish I did differently. I would have helped me now and I would have felt good doing it.

Happy New Year 2016

Typically, there is a lot of reflection around January 1. This is no exception, but I am a bit to low on the creative energy to go too deep.

Since being laid-off in late October, I have been in some kind of period of reflection of my work life. I feel surprisingly optimistic about my work prospects for the future. I have a lot of hope that I can build a work life that works for me. I have a lot of positive thoughts there.
Amy and I have continued our transition to an empty nest. As you might guess with college age kids, it isn’t really empty 100% of the time. That suits us. But, as time has passed, I am also beginning to see the need for us to adjust the exhibits in the museum. We are moving stuff around in the house and trying new experiments with what works for us. More change to come. I feel good about.
Last year, I lost weight. My cholesterol improved. I look forward to continuing that so that I can transition from being a “loser” to a “maintainer.” I feel good about that too.
There were some tough times last year as Amy’s parents both shuffled off this mortal coil, if I might put it in the words of Shakespeare. That provided challenges in many complex ways. But through a lot of hard work and time on Amy’s part, she has been able to move forward and regather her strength. I hope she feels good about that.
More than anything else, I feel that we are both moving in the same direction in our broad lives. That feels good too.
In the areas that are challenging, I am making changes. This isn’t easy but progress is being made. I have no doubt that some efforts will fail and some will succeed. As we get the results, we will continue to refine and try again. Perseverance is really our only tool here. I don’t feel great about this but that is ok. I feel like I have the will to keep at it.

No big pronouncements this year. I did one thing on my last years list out of three. I lost weight. I did not run a 5K per se but I feel very close to being able to actually run (as opposed to walk/run). No progress on swimming an IM. Still on my list of things I want to do.

Good luck in 2016.

Thanksgiving

It has been too many years to count since I had Thanksgiving with my siblings and extended family. My kids, who live on the East Coast presently, have created an incentive for us to travel to them during this holiday.

For me, this has been my personal favorite holiday over the years. I love the theme despite the changing attitudes in society about the relations between the early colonial Americans, i.e. the Pilgrims, and the first people who were living here. At the heart of the celebration, after the back story, is an opportunity to have a meal with your family, appreciating them for who they are and for taking the time to prepare a feast.

Making a feast for somebody is an act of celebration that seems to cross cultures. Whether it is to impress, thank, or share abundance, the idea of a feast is similar. I’m not professional sociologist but that’s my take.

Right now, I can see that I am in the hive. I have nothing great to contribute to the preparation but a lot is going-on around me. Cooking has never been my main talent. But I do appreciate all the effort. More than anything, I’m just happy to be hanging around. It feels good.

In the intervening years since my last visit during the holidays, our nuclear family has created its own traditions in the absence of our big family. I miss those people and those times a bit today. I miss the various “strays” that we have invited. I miss the warmth of my brother-in-law and nephew who have consistently been our local family and proximate stand-ins for my own family.

Our kids have known our traditions, and they are wonderful and enjoyable too. It is inevitable and part of the natural order of generations. This year, as I see my brother and sister-in-law ably step into the role of hosts. I can see that they have their own systems and process for getting this done today. It is different but similar to what I remember from my youth.

My mother was the one who got up early and cooked the turkey. She had a calm demeanor but still a little anxiety of having the job of cooking the turkey. As the family grew so did the size of the turkey. With a bigger turkey, you need a longer cooking time which meant earlier start time. Obvious to cooks but not to kids. I remember her drinking coffee and basting the bird as we prepared to go to the football game. That was a big deal. It was the final marching band performance and that seemed like a big deal to us.

I remember smelling turkey for hours or so it seemed. I remember being involved in some table setting, putting a leaf in the table, but little more. Perhaps my mother enjoyed her time alone with her turkey. Looking back on that, I think of the effort, but then I see the wisdom. Probably some of the most calm moments in her life as Mom were when she cooked that turkey. No kids and a little time alone to prepare the feast. I will never know but I can imagine that she felt good about it because she was taking care of us and for once it was quiet in the house.

Our team played its rival and the outcome was important. Despite that, I don’t remember the record so I guess it was a more ephemeral importance. But after the game, where it was often cold and crappy weather, we would head home to have turkey dinner. We always ate in the middle of the day, just as we are now. Grandma and Grandpa would come. My grandmother brought a dish that my sister will try and replicate today – more for the nostalgia and memory than the taste itself.

We finished a grand meal and before moving straight to dessert, I have a recollection of some kind of pause. The NFL would be on and the whole Thanksgiving theme would resonate with us. We would go outside and play for a bit or maybe watch the game. Then we would eventually have a pie fest. Seveal types of pies for those that didn’t like one or another. Before it was too dark, the day would be winding down. The dishes were washed in the pause and that’s probably the main reason for it.

This whole sequence was the foundation for my understanding of the holiday. However, over time, that did morph and the new sequence, in the new place, with the new people, has come to be the new norm. The games are over earlier. The sun is in a different place when sit down to eat and the grocery is open and often visited the day of Thanksgiving. The group is a bit more modest and the dishes are a bit different.

I love it all.

It’s good to have options

Lest you think that I am ready to jump off a bridge, rest assured. I am not. I’m angry not depressed. And I’m very happy to say that. I have been much more depressed at times in my life and thanks to therapy, I have found many ways to be more resilient.

Faced with this job change, I find that I am contemplating bigger changes while at the same time having something of nesting instinct.

We are in a very nice position thanks to hard work over the years and an impulse to save money. We will not starve and no one will have to sell any organs even if I were unable to secure a job like the one I have.

I have an impulse to try to figure out how to go back to school.
I have stepped-up my technical training and looked into a computer science degree. I am rejecting that idea because while I think I might enjoy it, the pay-off isn’t really there for me.
I think that talking about it in this blog is helping me too.
We are talking about what is “retirement.”
Would we move to someplace where the cost of living is a bit lower?
Amy still has her job; how does that figure into it?

I am not saying that I’m looking forward to this at all. I’m saying that I am a bit energized by the possibilities that it is forcing me to think about.

Someone asked me what was my biggest concern and it is simple: I will have another heart surgery if I’m lucky enough to live long enough for my present valve to begin to falter. I just want to give myself a reasonable chance that I can come through that without breaking the bank and enjoy another 10-20 years after that.

That fact was emphasized for me more this year by my cardiologist. He did my numbers and said, “if you are going to try to change your cholesterol with diet and exercise, now is the time.” That started me down the road of my present diet. Next week I get my physical and I find out if my numbers are better.

Microsoft was providing me a nice glide path to heart surgery. That fact might change but I don’t think it is all bad.

My twenties and early thirties were a much more dynamic time in my life. Even when things were bad financially, I felt more in control and less averse to some risks. I think maybe that is what is circling around again. I just need to find a way to re-assure the part of my brain that craves security that I am not risking too much.

Could be fun.

The beginning of change?

I might be at a cross roads sooner than I expected. I intereviewed for a new job at the company this week.

Let’s walk it back first. I will have 18 years at Software Giant in October. That’s a pretty good run. The company has always been youthful and there is a move toward that in my team lately. In fact, my department, Technical Writing, has been one of the gray-haired parts of the organization for a long time.

I was a technical writer for a long time, even before Software Giant. It suited me. It has provided me with a lot of what I hoped to get out of life. Good pay, opportunity to interesting work, interesting co-workers. It has provided ample business challenges, too. Sometimes these, in concert with my genetics, made me depressed. Software Giant also helped out with paying for therapy and even big medical expenses like heart surgery.

I have no complaints of the serious kind.

Two years ago, I moved from technical writing to technical production. I work on web sites, write code to keep things working, and generally support other technical writers in moving content from their heads to the web for other people to read. This was a great job too. Something new, and more than anything, a great boss and team to work with.

Technical writing had taken me a lot of places. In the period of 2008 to 2013 it took me to a type of documentation that mainly satisfied legal requirements. It was neither fun nor interesting so the switch to production was a welcome change.

Software Giant is making all of us in production re-interview for our jobs because they want change the personnel to be more technical. This is all delivered earnestly and fairly but it basically says we think you guys are part of the problems we have here and we need to upgrade your skills. Some of you are capable; the rest of you will be dealt with later.

As I prepared for the interview, I realized I didn’t want the job. I think I would fail the interview and I don’t even think that success would work out well in the long run. Instead I intereviewed for a different job. For the past 4 months this has been on my mind and that was shitty.

But taking the interview for the new job was a good catalyst for thinking about the future. Inevitably I will not be a Software Giant. Strangely that doesn’t bother me as much as the thought of losing my current job did, initially.

Maybe I needed to grieve the loss and that included denial and a little bit of anger. But it also includes, eventually, acceptance.

I hope I get the new job at Software Giant because it sounds cool. It also sounds a bit risky and pie in the sky. The idea is how do we best connect solutions that we have to people that are having problems? Can we monitor stuff like Twitter or Google and discover when people are having trouble and figure out a better way to get them materials that we know we have.

I’m not a perfect fit for the job so I might not get it. But that’s ok too. It is the beginning of transition. I don’t know when I will leave Software Giant but I will eventually. Strangely I am starting to have some peace with that already.